Grief: What Bereavement Actually Involves and Why It Takes as Long as It Takes

Grief tends to be spoken about as if it were a process with a beginning, a middle, and an end. A series of stages to be moved through, each one bringing you closer to something perhaps called recovery or acceptance. The reality of bereavement is considerably more unpredictable and far less linear. The expectation that grief should follow a predictable arc tends to compound the difficulty.

When someone dies, many things are lost. The relationship, with all its particular texture and nuances, the shared history, and the future that was assumed to include them. The role that they played, the spaces they occupied, the version of yourself that existed in relation to them. Sometimes what is lost is the conversations that were never had, the things that were left unsaid or unresolved. What is lost may also be the challenges and complications of a relationship, the mistreatment or difficulties that were present.

The processing of these elements, arrives and continues in waves triggered by occasions, objects, or those unexpected moments when you reach out to connect to someone who is no longer there.

 

Why grief does not follow a schedule

The idea that grief moves through predictable stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) was never intended to be thought of as a linear model, but it has been widely understood as one. As a result, when people do not grieve in an orderly fashion, they often feel that they are doing something wrong. Grief is messy, often contradictory, and deeply personal. Anger and love may be a part of the grief process. So might relief and devastation. The person who is functioning well at work may fall apart completely at a supermarket checkout. None of these feelings or experiences are odd or strange.

The grief timeline cannot be predicted. There is a subtle cultural expectation that bereavement should be substantially processed within a year of firsts, however this is not supported by most people’s experiences. Significant losses tend to be carried for far longer. Perhaps not in the same raw and overwhelming form indefinitely, but as something that changes shape over time without ever completely resolving.

 

Complicated grief

For some people, grief does not follow even an irregular course significantly impairs daily functioning over a longer more extended period. This is sometimes called prolonged or complicated grief. It is most likely in circumstances where the: death was sudden or traumatic, relationship was complex or ambivalent, or the bereaved person lacked adequate support in the early stages of loss. This is not a personal failure, it is a different type of grief that might need more support.

 

What therapy can offer

Therapy for grief is not about moving someone through stages or helping them to reach acceptance on a particular timeline. It is about offering a space where the person who has died can be spoken about, where the complexity of the relationship can be acknowledged, and where the full range of emotions and experiences carried by the bereaved person can be explored.

If you have lost someone and have found that the grief is harder, more complicated, or more persistent than you expected, or you simply have not yet had adequate space to grieve or talk about your experiences, therapy may have something to offer.

Dr Erin Reid is a counselling psychologist offering online therapy to individuals, couples, adolescents, and families across the UK and internationally, and 'Walk and Talk' therapy in Northwest London green spaces. Visit drerinreid.com to find out more.