The Weight of High Expectations - The Bar That is Always Just Out of Reach

There is an unusual type of exhaustion that comes from perpetually succeeding without it ever feeling like it is enough. Your work is good, the results are positive, others are impressed. And yet the internal experience is not of satisfaction but rather a brief feeling of relief, followed by the quiet awareness that the next thing on the achievement list is already waiting.

The difference between ambition and a moving standard

Ambition is not really the problem, the difficulty arises when the standard is not a destination, but instead a mechanism. When we meet our goals we exhale for a moment before moving the marker further along. The distinguishing feature is what happens after success. Satisfaction feels fleeting or absent and we focus on what was imperfect, what comes next, and never really on what was achieved. This ensures that our effort never stops.

Where high expectations come from

High expectations are often shaped by the environments in which we develop. Our families, cultures, professions, and social contexts each play a role in defining what success looks like and who it is available to. For some of us, high expectations were explicitly communicated by parents for whom achievement was the primary currency of approval. For others of us, high expectations were absorbed from a family culture where excellence was assumed and limitations were not well tolerated.

There is a social and cultural dimension to this too. For those of us who have navigated systems in which our presence was not the norm, or our competence was routinely questioned, high standards hold a protective function. Excellence becomes a way of pre-empting others' doubt and we find ourselves routinely working twice as hard to be considered 'equal'.

Why meeting the expectation rarely brings relief

The relief of meeting a high standard is extremely brief, compared to the effort required to reach it. This is partly because we keep moving the standard upwards. This can also be because our underlying anxieties do not go away when the standard is met. Our fears of being inadequate, of not being enough, are not resolved by achievement. They are temporarily quieted, and then they return.

What therapy can offer

The work in therapy is not about lowering the bar. It is more about understanding your relationship with it. Therapy may ask: where you feel your high expectations came from, what they help you to manage, and what they are costing you. Understanding these elements can help us to relate to our standards differently, with more choice, and greater flexibility. We can also develop an enhanced ability to recognise when it is time to pause, look back at how far we have climbed, and celebrate what we have achieved.

If the bar in your life is always just out of reach, and you are beginning to notice the cost of perpetually reaching for it, therapy may help you to gain some clarity and a new perspective on things.

Dr Erin Reid is a counselling psychologist offering online therapy to individuals, couples, adolescents, and families across the UK and internationally, and 'Walk and Talk' therapy in Northwest London green spaces. Visit drerinreid.com to find out more.