Midlife and the Feeling That Something Needs to Change

The phrase ‘midlife crisis’ has a particular cultural image attached to it. For most people, the midlife experience is considerably quieter than this, and considerably harder to name. It tends to arrive not as a crisis but as a persistent, low-level sense that something needs to change, without always being clear about what that something is.

That quieter version of midlife is in many ways more difficult to address, as the vague but persistent feeling of dissatisfaction is easy to push down or dismiss.

Why midlife disruption is often internal

In the first half of adult life, external structure tends to provide us with direction. There are goals to achieve, societally defined stages to move through. Midlife tends to shift the question. For many, elements of that structure may be in place and the questions that arrive (often uninvited) are: "is this what I actually wanted?" "Is the life that I am living, really the life that I desire(d)?"

In midlife we start to question whether we are living a version of life that is sufficiently connected to what really matters deeply to us.

Identity reappraisal in midlife

Researchers have described midlife as a period of identity reappraisal. You may be examining the relationships, roles, commitments, values, and directions taken that have defined the first part of your adult life. You may also be asking yourself whether they still fit the version of self that you carry with you today. This can feel incredibly destabilising for some, particularly if you have invested heavily in a particular version of yourself and your life to please others rather than yourself. Sometimes in midlife, we do genuinely need to let go of certain life elements that were previous sources of meaning. This is not unusual and letting go of some things can create space, but this process is often accompanied with grief.

The difficulty of change when life looks successful

One of the particular features of midlife difficulty is that the discontentment often arrives in the context of an apparently 'successful' life. You are functioning well, you have achieved much of what you set out to achieve, and you are regarded by others as having 'made it' and as having things in order. This makes the internal experience of dissatisfaction harder to justify or express to ourselves and to others, and there can be a particular kind of loneliness in that.

What therapy can offer

Therapy in midlife is not primarily about problem-solving. It is about creating a space in which the questions that midlife raises can be heard, honoured and taken seriously. You may be hearing your true wants and desires out loud for the first time and this can be a source of multiple emotions such as sadness, grief, longing, rage, and/or excitement.

Therapy in midlife can be a place to grieve what has been sacrificed whilst understanding and examining what has accumulated over time without being fully chosen. Therapy can also help you to begin to think about what the next part of your life might look like and to give yourself permission to gradually bring parts of your desired future into your present.

If the feeling that something needs to change has been with you for a while, if you find yourself looking around at a 'good life' while experiencing feelings of sadness, longing or rage, you aren't alone, and these feelings may be worth attending to.

Dr Erin Reid is a counselling psychologist offering online, telephone and 'Walk and Talk' therapy. She works with adolescents, adults, couples, and families across the UK and internationally. Visit www.drerinreid.com to find out more.