Low Self-Esteem: Where It Comes From and What Helps To Shifts It

Low self-esteem tends to be treated, in popular psychology, as a deficit to be corrected. Something that can be addressed through positive affirmations, self-care practices, or a deliberate focus on strengths. These approaches are not without value, but they tend to operate at the surface of the problem rather than at its root. For many people, they produce a temporary shift that does not quite hold over time.

Understanding low self-esteem more accurately requires looking at where it comes from rather than simply at what it feels like.

 

Where self-esteem actually comes from

Self-esteem (our sense of being fundamentally acceptable, worthy, and of value) begins to develop in our early relationships. It is not primarily a conclusion we reach about ourselves through rational assessment of our qualities. It begins with the internalised sense of how we were regarded by the people who mattered most to us when we were young and navigating our childhoods.

Children who were consistently seen, valued, and responded to with warmth tend to develop a secure sense of self-worth that is relatively stable across circumstances. Children whose experiences were characterised by criticism, inconsistency, neglect, or the sense that love was conditional, tend to develop a more fragile or negative self-regard.

This is not a simple or deterministic process, and it is not judgement of parents who did their best with what they had. But it does mean that low self-esteem is not primarily a cognitive problem (a set of mistaken thoughts to be challenged and replaced). Low self-esteem is something more fundamental, a deep rooted foundation that was laid down earlier in our lives.

 

How low self-esteem maintains itself

Once established, low self-esteem can be self-reinforcing. If we believe at some level, that we are not quite good enough, we tend to interpret ambiguous situations in ways that confirm our beliefs. We notice criticism more readily than praise. We attribute failures to ourselves and successes to luck or circumstance. We may avoid situations where failure is possible, which limits the corrective experiences that might otherwise challenge our beliefs.

There is often a relational dimension. With low self-esteem we sometimes find ourselves in relationships that confirm our negative self-image. Not because we seek them out consciously, but because the familiar tends to feel more tolerable to us than the unfamiliar, even when the familiar is painful.

 

What tends not to help

When we have low self-esteem, being told that we are actually great tends not to help in the long-term. Not because we cannot hear it, but because the belief that the praise is trying to counter is not primarily rational. It is held in our bodies, in our relational patterns, in the habitual ways that we relate to our selves that developed long before we were able to think critically.

 

What therapy can offer

Therapy for low self-esteem works at the level where the difficulties actually live. Through exploring your relational history that shaped it, and the patterns that maintain it. The quality of the therapeutic relationship can itself be therapeutic. A genuine experience of being regarded positively can start to counter the relational experiences that shaped your original negative beliefs of self.

Change tends to be gradual and is rarely linear. However, with time, self-esteem can start to shift in a more durable way than with techniques that only operate at the surface.

If you have lived with a persistent sense of not quite being enough, and have not yet found a space to understand where that came from, therapy may be something to consider.

Dr Erin Reid is a counselling psychologist offering online therapy to individuals, couples, adolescents, and families across the UK and internationally, and Walk and Talk' therapy in Northwest London green spaces. Visit drerinreid.com to find out more.